Leaving a Legacy

Affirmations
I am proud of who I am in this world.
I am a positive role model for my children.
I am surrounded by loving friends and family.

At the end of your life, what do you hope or imagine your children will say about you?  What do you want your legacy to be?

from "Moms to Moms: Parenting Wisdom from Moms in Recovery" by Barbara Joy

I hope they will say that they could talk to me about everything and they felt loved.  I want them to remember that I taught them about God, that I always listened to what they had to say, and realize that I taught them how to think instead of what to think.  I want them to remember lots of hugs and kisses, and know that I was always there for them, no matter what.  Above all I want them to have no memories of a mom that was high or drunk.  I want them to remember a mom who always had time to talk with them, who wasn't falling asleep or too preoccupied with how to get more pills that she didn't have time to play or read with them.  I want them to remember a mom who was present for their childhood and adulthood.

Me Time

Affirmations
I consistently take care of myself
I surround myself with positive and encouraging people.
I deserve to have a joyful and abundant life.

-from "Moms to Moms: Parenting Wisdom from Moms in Recovery" by Barbara Joy

How do you spend time taking care of yourself?

This is a hard question to answer.  Not because I don't know the answer, on the contrary, I was able to answer it immediately, but because I'm afraid for the flak I'm going to catch about my opinion on it.  I think self-care is very important.  You know the old saying, "if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy?"  I really believe in that, even when I was drinking and using.  I've always taken time for myself.  Of course, in the old days, it's what I used to justify my drinking and using and now it looks totally different.  Writing this blog, for instance, is a way for me to take care of myself, to do something for myself.  I'm currently looking for a job- and of course, we need the money, but a bigger part of it is that it will give me a sense of purpose for myself again, something I don't get just from staying home and raising the children.  Right now, the ways I take care of myself are pretty simple.  I go to meetings, first and foremost.  Almost daily.  They keep me sober, and they keep me connected to the people I need to be connected to.  I facebook, talk, or text my sober friends daily.  It doesn't take long, and it gives me the boost I need to stay strong in my sobriety.  At night, after the kids are in bed, I watch (or more accurately, fall asleep to) a DVR'd episode of a favorite grown-up tv show.  About once I month I get my hair cut or my nails done.  Do these things cost money?  Absolutely.  But what I get out of them is more than worth it.

Lessons Learned

Affirmations
I respect my children.
I learn valuable lessons from my children.
I enjoy my children daily.

What lessons have your children taught you?

from "Moms to Moms: Parenting Wisdom from Moms in Recovery" by Barbara Joy

In recovery, my kids have taught me the value of living in the moment.  Before now, I was never really able to do this.  I'll admit that spending time with the kids was sometimes a chore, a difficult one, because the things that interest them are not the things that interest me, lol!  It was hard for me to appreciate a well-dressed baby doll, a dump truck filled to the brim, a line of matchbox cars.  But with God's help, I am doing just that for the very first time, and now spending time with my precious children does not feel like a chore, it feels like a gift.  They've shown me that love can be expressed in many ways, and one of the greatest gifts I can give them is the gift of my undivided attention.  I play dolls and cars and color with my little ones- and that's all I focus on.  I set aside time to focus just on them where I ignore the phone, when the tv is off, when I color along side them, when I drive my trucks around too or when I have a stuffed animal to cuddle.  When I was using I put using first- I regret those times.  I can't get those times back, but I can do everything in my power now to be a good mom, one who lives "in the moment."

Instilling Values

Affirmations:
I am a positive and loving role model for my children.
Values are important to me and my family.
I learn important lessons from each mistake.

What values do you want to instill in your children?

from "Moms to Moms: Parenting Wisdom from Moms in Recovery" by Barbara Joy

The biggest value I want my children to have is knowing God.  My daughter has been asking a lot of questions about God, and I am only too happy to answer.  She has questions about where God is, how do we talk to Him, where do we come from, how do we get here, and many more.  I can't answer them all... all I can do is hope that God gives me the right answers to tell her and guide her and her brothers down the right path that leads into His loving arms.

As a recovering addict and alcoholic, while I've always had God in my life, I haven't always listened to Him or been especially close to Him.  I'm changing that now.  I'm trying to lead by example, but being a private person by nature it's hard.  As I grow closer to God, I'm trying to share that with the kids, my daughter especially, so they can see and learn how to have their own relationships with God.  The kids are lucky to have godparents who love them and who are involved in their lives now and who will be there to be involved in teaching them about God and helping them grow in their spirituality as they get older.

Hard Times

Affirmations
I am filled with understanding and patience.
I know when to hang on and when to let go.
I am enough.

What are the hardest parts of being a mom for you?  What can you do to make each of them a little easier?

 -from "Moms to Moms: Parenting Wisdom from Moms in Recovery" by Barbara Joy

The hardest part about being a mom in recovery... *sigh*  So many things are tough.  The hardest part is when I need to fill that hole that alcohol and drugs have left behind, and I need to pray, and I have three little monsters all clamoring for my attention.  I know I need to put my sobriety first, but sometimes it is so difficult!  Prayer is what gets me through, my Higher Power, who I choose to call God, is unbelievably understanding, and I need to talk to Him often.  Unfortunately, instead of a heartfelt one-on-one like I would like to have, we often have hurried mini-coversations in between drink requests and breaking up fights over toys.  I know He understands.  After all, He is a Father also!  He knows how difficult it is to parent.  Regardless of how often or how little I get a chance to speak to Him, I know that He is always there with me, helping me, there for me to lean on, and it gives me solace.  To make it easier, I continue to grab time with Him where I can, and when the kids ask what I am doing, I tell them I am praying, I am talking to God.  This fascinated my oldest child at first.  "You can TALK to GOD?" she asked innocently.  Yikes.  I realized that I was not doing my job as a parent in teaching her how to forge her own connection with God.  So I may bumble and stumble a bit, but I explain that yes, I DO talk to God, and He helps me, and that SHE can talk to Him too, whenever she wants, about anything she desires.  It's a slow process, but we're doing it together.

 

Best Of...

Affirmations:
I find ways to connect with my children every day.
I appreciate the simple things that my children and I do together.
I am grateful for my children just as they are.

What's the best part of being a mom for you?

 from "Moms to Moms" by Barbara Joy

The best part of being a mom is hugging my kids and letting them know that I love them.  My boys are almost two-and-a-half, and they are just getting the concept of "kissing" down (instead of "come here Momma and let me slobber all over your face").  It's so wonderful to see their little eyes squinch (yes, that's a word) shut and their lips pucker up when I ask for a kiss.

My daughter is five.  She still loves hugs and kisses, but on her own terms.  Lately "her own terms" involve sleeping with me on the couch.  On top of me.  All 40-something pounds of her.  But I love it.  I cherish these times, I know they won't last forever, and I'm pretty sure I'll blink and she'll be a teenager.

This is so different from when I was using.  I still showed my kids love, of course, but I never really stopped to appreciate it the way I am now.  Every day I pray to God to keep me away from a drink and a drug, then I pray that He lets me stay "in the moment" with my kids, letting me appreciate them and the time I have with them.

He hasn't let me down yet.

My Sober Life

So I'm reading this book- "Moms to Moms: Parenting Wisdom from Moms in Recovery."  Who knew it would actually be a good read?  I expected to pick it up at the bookstore, sit with it for as long as it took to drink my strongly caffeinated beverage, and leave it for the next person in search of enlightenment.  But I identified with so many of what these moms were saying, I just couldn't leave it behind.

I should start at the beginning.  I'm Sarah, and I'm an alcoholic and an addict.  I knew this before I picked up this book, but still, seeing the words there in black and white is still a little jarring.  Saying them has become easier and easier for me.  I go to a lot of AA and NA meetings (and I talk a lot, so I say them pretty regularly).  It was hard to say at first.  As of right now I have a little over two months of clean and sober time.  I've tried going through different "A" programs before, but this is my first really true HONEST attempt at it.  I have a sponsor.  One I talk to on a regular basis.  I have people's phone numbers- and I talk to them.  Often.  I go to several meetings a week.  I'm not doing "90 in 90" but I'm coming pretty damn close.  I pry myself out of my loner shell and do the "eyeball-to-eyeball sharing" before and after meetings.  It's hard, but I do it.  I have a copy of the Big Book (and I've been instructed NOT to sell it on eBay like the last one) and I actually read it instead of just use it for show.  It has dog-eared pages and stuff is underlined.  I pray.  I pray more now and more seriously than I ever have before in my entire life.  And here's the biggest hurdle of all-

I don't use alcohol or drugs.

Shocking, I know.

My first few times in different "A" programs, I thought I could use in safety.  I made excuses.  I needed to use.  I could use certain drugs, in certain amounts.  I wasn't as bad as the next guy.  I had a medical condition.  My excuses were endless.  I had to really hit bottom (a story for another time) for me to give it all up.  And I really have- given it all up, that is.  The first few weeks were unbelievably hard.  Anxiety through the roof, shaking, mood swings- twenty-four hours at a time was too much.  I went hour to hour, minute to minute.  I went to meetings, called people in the program, relied on support.  It was insane, but I got through without using. 

Now I'm a little over two months clean and sober, and the world is an amazing place.  Don't get me wrong, life isn't always roses and lollipops, but I'm definitely feeling that pink cloud that people talk about.  I'm working the steps, and I feel God's presence.  It's an amazing gift.  I was at a meeting tonight where a speaker described it like being in the Wizard of Oz... you spend so long in the world of black and white, then all of a sudden you open the door and boom!  You're in color!  It's an amazing feeling.

So anyway, back to my book- "Moms to Moms..." it's compiled by Barbara Joy, and I highly recommend it.  One thing I really like about the book is the ability to participate in it yourself, hence the birth of this blog.  I will be posting the "journaling questions" on here with my thoughts, and I encourage you to post your thoughts and comments.

Thanks for reading!